Union Bank: a sloppy hiring process with mild interruptions

           Among the poor job economy and austere times, you will find swarms of people from all walks of life extending a resume to the jobs of which require an arbitrary job search and an aimless objective; I have become on of these people. A few days ago, I was invited to attend a 'group' interview for a menial cashier (ahem, I mean teller) position at a said time on a said date. I suited up to the adherence of a dapper groom without the labels screaming hyperbole and sauntered into the building 20 minutes early with my resume aligned in a supercilious binding. As I sat in the interview room, more and more women flooded in as the ratio grew to 12 females to 3 men (including myself). I couldn't help but feel like this was more a feminist convention or some kind of chauvinistic segregation whereby this position is ideally for women. Inevitably, a mild mannered eastern woman (specifically either Indian or Pakistani) strides up next to me with a pungent odor which was compounded by the culmination of dormant beads of sweat being slammed between saggy skin and some generic Victoria Beckham perfume. With this offending my nostrils, we were then notified that the interviewer would be 20 minutes late. At this time, I was in a celestial daydream about standing up, rejecting the notion of full-time work and lithely laying my flaccid penis out on the table to express my feeling toward Union Bank's human resource team at their flagrant disrespect. I understand that this is the 'real' world (thanks for that Des Cartes), but in a professional setting, I expect the company to adhere to a greater standard to create some form of precedent.


            After the interviewer finally arrived, the fact that she had a mature je ne sais quoi made the delay a lot easier to deal with. It was at this time that she proceeded to apologize with all of the rudimentary perfunctory statements of contrition. After the casual apology of professional egotism, she proceeded to collect our resumes. After collating a pile of our resumes, she then required a 3 minute evaluation of each candidate with what would be a vocalized abstract of my resume. It was at this point that I was highly offended by the caliber of prospective employee present at the interview. There were 3 Chinese women who spoke broken English, whilst shaking with the fear of Satan's asshole at the sight of Hitler's throbbing cock with pellets of the Aryan race jutting out. I am in noway downplaying their potential or their qualifications, but in my experience, fluent English is a prerequisite in customer service (especially when dealing with someones money because who wants a shivering wombat on their knees that can't openly express the reason why $100,000 worth of fraudulent behavior exists on their account). Also, I am not belittling their English in the general sense as I couldn't chew in the language of Mandarin, let alone speak it. What I'm saying is, if there is no real clearance process before the group interview, then why use the resources at all? There must be a filter in the recruiting process with the very least being the applicants fluency in English (unless Union Bank has some queer, arcane human resource team that live like the Amish; a phone interview would be ideal). Among the other candidates were a few women who had worked in retail for 20 odd years and had decided that there was no 'opportunity' in terms of progression in their current situation (bit late to start again now, honey). Add a couple of stay at home mothers, a throaty fat girl who sounded as if she had a goblet of semen down her neck and a poor mans Tony Montana with one of those rolling accents that sounds as if his tongue will loll in and out like a fruit roll up. By the end of the interview, it seemed that all of these people were still being 'considered' as the interviewer requested which branches the applicants would want their resumes sent to. After the interviewer ceased the group interview, which felt more like a focus group after one of the applicants divulged the news of his dead father, I was riotously disconcerted regarding the professionalism and selective nature of the interview and how Union Bank conducted themselves. Oh, and a final note, this experience was also exacerbated when a personal banker from downstairs interjected (whilst surreptitiously entering the room) to extend an invitation for any of us (the applicants) to sign up today for a checking account with Union Bank, or switch from your current checking account. It is an arbitrary interview processes like this, which for me, indicate the weaknesses and perhaps downfalls of a large company. Human resources need to check the autopsy report and see if their dick is still in their hand.